around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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