If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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