i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Randomize
