i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
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