i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
They have beer where we have blood.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Randomize
