Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
