Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
