I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
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