i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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