So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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