You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
