i jhust puked up my retainher.
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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