when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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