when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
