im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
