hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
