This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
