4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I just made out with a guy for $7.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
