someone threw a dead crab at me
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
