I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Randomize
