you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
