I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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