went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
If I die, sorry about rent.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Randomize
