drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
