you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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