so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
