So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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