we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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