Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
