I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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