we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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