The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
