omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
