he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Randomize
