Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
