Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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