someone threw a dead crab at me
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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