Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
where are my eyebrows?
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
