come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
