I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
