The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
