I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
My vagina is officially offended.
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