my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
