tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
If I die, sorry about rent.
Randomize
