I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I could make wine with my vomit
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
so how do you plan on seducing my econ TA?
by telling him that he has a large supply and that i demand it...in my mouth. it shows him that i'm slutty and that i pay attention in econ
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Randomize
