i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
