oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
