so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
