i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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