I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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