I cannot find my penis.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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